DISTRACTIONS

Writing is to me a form of letting loose on "paper". There is so much that happens in my life that I cannot speak out, or put to any logical understanding from my heart. Its a creation faux pas if you will or maybe just an upbringing one.

This post is very raw, I'm not going to bother to redo the language or flower the phrases, I'm just putting down thoughts as they come to me. April. Its been a stressful and a somewhat very defined month. One thing after another without room to breath, very many times I felt I needed that room where people go to and scream their lungs out. Yes, I really need that place.

But most of all I just needed that place that people go to that is just for them. A safe shelter with a soft landing and all the chocolate and wine I can put down. Lord knows I really needed that place. I felt sandpaper-ed with no visible shine appearing. I do not know if I am any smoother.

A lesson in life: You don't always get what you give and people don't always give what they say they will either. Hard lesson learnt.

However..(wasn't going to sign off without a footnote of course)...there are very odd times when rays of light will pierce through the darkness, as still as dawn breaking..those odd times when it is impossible to do any activity without a smile...odd times... :)

But I'm still me, heart still big, mind still strong, my writing still vaguely alive. Hehe

JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS ONE GAL GOES THRU

This is one of those feel-good days for me, Its the days when you know there is plenty you could be fussing about but you just choose not to. Took a while for me to learn this skill. I say skill because if I called it Art I'm afraid I would be taking liberties with the language.

Nothing is fazing me today, not even that black chicken that crossed my path today morning. I refuse to Google and find out what kind of an omen a black chicken crossing your path symbolizes. Albeit it was very determined to....nah, nothing will faze me today.
It is just one of those days

Not even my suspicious colleagues asking why I'm eating groundnuts early in the morning. Making me feel like I had just pulled out a bag of coke and was snorting it. By the way they turned out to be the worst groundnuts I had ever tasted but because I had metaphorically given the finger to their suggestive claims, I will slowly soldier on down to the last nut... Note to self: Must Learn To Swallow Pride.
Today is just one of those days

Not even the rude makanga in the morning matatu could ruin the mood. Lord only knows what crept up his pants because he was voicing opinions that were not needed, commenting on each and every conversation he overheard...clearly someone raised him up with the impression that rude interjections make great conversations. ..
Not even the falling trajectory my favourite black underwear took as it slipped from the clothes line of my fifth floor balcony straight into the open door of the apartment two floors down. I had the quickest brainstorming session in my head and decided to follow it down. Nay, it was not a walk of shame...more like a determined no-man-left-behind kind of walk. It just had to be done...when you love something that means going the extra mile. I'm not sure whether the guy who came to the door was just amused or he thought it was a not-so-subtle come hither message. Did his expression pique my curiosity? It did. Did it really matter? Not in the least bit. I said thanks and went on my way..today is just one of those days :)

I'm humming a tune I don't know
I'm smiling to people I've never met
Skipping over puddles of water on the road

Its just...one of those days

One Love.

IT IS WROTE

mental synthesis
verbal hypothesis
physical....well,...contingencies
i had none!
he's the i on the dot
the t on the cross
my one true hopeless cause
to spin my world back
on to track

spiritual whoosis
intuitional synapsis
chemical catalysis
the hand connects to the shoulder
the shoulder to the chest
the chest to the heart
resistance is furtile
i admit i'm in a rut

attitude so spick
tongue so slick
me and him....the word is stick
coz even when the sun don't shine
that hay will be made



and..... oh yeah....rolled on too.... :-)

JUST THOUGHTS #1

Sometimes its up, sometimes down, going right one minute and downhill the next....and if your life is not like this then you need to check yourself for a pulse. The beauty of life is that it is rarely what you expect, there are so many forces at work that are beyond your control no matter how hard you try to maintain balance (all forms of O.C.D included). Often times when things happen to us we seek for reasons why or look for something or someone to blame...one thing I believe in my whole being is that everything happens for a reason, it doesn't have to make sense to you right at the get go but if you sit down to reflect you begin to see things a little more clearer. It helps if life has taken you through some tough times because your focus tends to be steadier. Of course everyone has the option to bitch as much as they want but eventually thats all it is plus a whole lot of wasted breath,and strenuous shaking of fists or lifting of middle fingers. Maybe I'm just the eternal optimist I believe Life sometimes happens to you but sometimes...sometimes You can choose to happen to life. Make a memory, take a turning, reach out a helping hand, forgive, forget, let go, take deep breaths.......I believe Life sometimes happens to you but other times....You can choose to happen to life. Much love always

SORDIDITY

I knew you once,

First day of Uni and I'm so nervous. My first real taste of freedom with no parents or older siblings about to look over my shoulder and monitor what-the-heck I was doing. I didn't know what to expect, it would either be good or it would suck (Dear Lord let it not suck, I'm sure I prayed a dozen times).


I knew you once,

Settling in, trying to find my classes, you appeared with your friendly face and your charm. A regular Casanova is what your demeanor screamed and my shields were already guarded against that. However, I needed help with my bearings and agree I did to let you be my guide for the day. That's how a friendship started...well, at least on my side.


I knew you once,

Several weeks later, we've slipped into a comfortable fit. Your persistence with trying to get us to be more than friends has finally worn off. I smile because I know we'll get on better as friends than anything else. I like your humor and you always save me a seat in class when I'm late.


I knew you once,

You and your friends wanted to go out to a club in the town and you invited me. I'm not so much a hell-yeah-let's-hit-the-club kinda girl but I acquiesced because I figured its what friends do sometimes; hang out.Friday evening eight p.m it was, plans made.


I knew you once,

Even though I didn't know your friends well, I had seen them around campus and for assurance I brought a girlfriend too. A girl I had become friends with recently and we stayed in the same hostel. I had my money in check in case of an emergency, I had a chaperone in check too in case we have to leave or things get too heated. Contingencies covered....errr...I guess..


I knew you once,

You gave me your jacket to keep me warm in the club where we sat. How thoughtful of you, you asked me what I would like to drink and I resolutely replied "Soda" You laughed softly and told me nobody goes out clubbing just to drink soda. You poured out a few tots for me from a Vodka bottle. I've never been a fan of Vodka so I poured in lots of soda to dilute the taste. No use getting drunk on my first night out. I imagined I might dance topless in the bar and the story would forever stick with me throughout Uni. No siree I was gonna have my faculties well put together throughout this night. The girlfriend I came with has mysteriously disappeared with a guy she met a few hours ago. I fret for a while until I spot her dancing a few meters away.


I knew you once,

I thought it was thoughtful of you to keep refreshing my drink every time I went to the ladies, and I was more relaxed because another girl had joined us and you seemed to be interested in her. I had reached my absolute limit of drinking so I kept pushing my glass around idly and boy, was I starting to feel sleepy. I looked at the time on my phone, 11.30pm!!! Why was I so drowsy, I could easily make it to 3am when I normally go out............


I knew you once,

That blue shirt with the black panther drawing at the back that you love wearing, the grunge jeans with the frayed knees that you said you've had since high school....

Oh my God.....

The grey sweater!
The black camisole!!
The black skinny jeans!!!!
My eyes popped open in a flash! All traces of sleep long pushed away, my clothes were draped on a chair along with his in the corner of his room. My underwear lying on the floor, partly hidden under his shoe. I pulled back the cream sheets that were on me only to confirm what I hoped was a bad dream, I was totally naked.
And though my mind didn't want to acknowledge it, I knew.......I knew.
I could remember nothing beyond 11.30pm, how I got there or who brought me there and how. Worst of all I knew something had been done to me and I had no idea.


I knew you once,

You looked at me and smiled when you came back to the room, said I had asked for it with my own mouth. Bulls***!! I was trembling, I was mad, I was scared, I felt so dirty...I dressed up quickly and did what made sense to me at the time, I left and went to my room and took a long hot scalding bath. I cried like I had never cried before and yet it felt like the tears would not subside. Later, I learnt that he told his friends he was taking me home because I had drunk too much, yet nobody saw me walking out, he had had to carry me out. So much for contingencies.......


I knew you once,

Now I wish I had never known you, I wish the earth would just cover you up for all the shame I've felt, all the tears I cried and most of all for taking something that was not given to you.


I've learnt that sometimes no amount of talking can make things seem better, you just have to find your own way of coping. I've learnt that its not strength that pulls you through a situation like this...its just time. With time, pain dulls, you learn how to black out what your mind doesn't want to remember, you learn that evil presents itself as good for its own intentions and its not your fault if you fall a victim to it.


I don't know.....maybe its just life.

Derangement

Writing is to me a form of letting loose on "paper". There is so much that happens in my life that I cannot speak out, or put to any logical understanding from my heart. Its a creation faux pas if you will or maybe just an upbringing one. This post is very raw, I'm not going to bother to redo the language or flower the phrases, I'm just putting down thoughts as they come to me. Its been a stressful month. One thing after another without room to breath, very many times I felt I needed that room where people go to and scream their lungs out. Yes, I really need that place. But most of all I just need that place that people go to that is just for them. A safe shelter with a soft landing and all the chocolate and wine I can put down. Lord knows I really need that place. I feel sandpaper-ed with no visible shine appearing. I'm no smoother, probably even worse right now. A lesson in life: You don't always get what you give and people don't always give what they say they will either. Hard lesson learnt. But I'm still me, heart still big, mind still strong, my writing still alive.

Stoicity

In a perfect world I think I would be ill-equipped to survive because this life has just created a sense of killer(not literally) survival instincts in me. I've learnt that whatever life throws at you, you have to be brave, take a moment to re-group, suck it up and find a way to either sort it out or move on.Rantings as Facebook updates notwithstanding because we know there are people who can really whinge.
Pain, however numbing is temporary and that's another lesson in life. No matter if it is physical, mental or otherwise. I remember times when I was so heartbroken I just felt in my heart that no other pain could ever compare to this. It was gut-wrenching, deep-set, world-is-ending-soon kind of pain that I thought would just scar me for life, now, I look back and even laugh at that. Sympathy for you will be there but after sometime it becomes a redundant feeling. Even people get tired of feeling sorry for you. I remember a story I read with my sister when I was in primary about a guy called Mbakara who was lazy and would only beg for food, then one day this guy gets injured and in commiseration, bring him food daily. So here is a lazy poor guy who thinks he has just struck gold, and his darn wounds are threatening to heal up thus closing this window of opportunity. His solution: He goes out back of his house and beats himself up, adding more injuries that translate to more free food for him. But even in his case after sometime even the villagers started wondering what the deal was, kwani this guy never gets better? They got tired of being nice all the time. Same thing with life as we know it, your allowed to get hurt, drag your face on the ground if you have to, pull your hair out and scream like a banshee but finally, you are expected to be strong.
Being even slightly disadvantaged requires that you jump over flaming hoops and snake filled pits. Be first, Be stronger, Be better. Those are the best choices life gives you in order to survive in this world. Hell, they are the values with which we are raised even as kids. All parents want their kids to be exceptional, to excel in something, because the world we live in now demands that you be good in something for you to matter.
I'm not the most talented of people: But I know where I can channel my energies for maximum results. I can write, I can do a pretty mean integration equation, I can hula-hoop with the best of them... There is a thing I can do with my eyes, my friend thinks its what draws guys to me. I don't know what it is but I can do that :) I'm not the most talented of people, but I'm grateful enough just to be good at stuff! :)
I'm not the prettiest of people: I might have a generous forehead, an awkward smile, skinny legs, the distinct Bukusu nose, (chickeny)...but I'm grateful enough that nowadays I can look at myself in the mirror and not get depressed or start wishing for body changes. I accept who I am and know its a tall order to expect to go to sleep and wake up Halle Berry beautiful (but if u wanna God...) .
I'm not the richest of people: Sometimes I look at my purse and poke my fingers in every corner hoping a 100ksh note would have, through the miraculous Grace of God, folded itself if into a nano size and squeezed itself into the deepest corner of my purse awaiting the day I will be broke "Aha! She's broke! It's saving time." The times when you clean out the closet, rearrange the cushions on the sofa just hoping Central Bank declared sanctuary in my abode. Almost always I find something, which just goes to show that guardian angels are for real and are busy working hard to atleast keep my pockets un-empty. I remember someone told me that if you walk in Nairobi without money you will be arrested because it screams intent to commit something akin to ripping up commandments and stomping on them.NYYAAAAAA!!!!!!!! Though I'm yet to see anyone being arrested for broke-ness...hmmm.
Troubles keep you down, make you cast angry stares at every smiling face you pass on the street, have you wondering what Go-awful thing you did in your previous life to deserve it...but, they end and they leave you stronger if not even better after. Hey, don't hack it until you've really thought about it. From me, much love AS always <3