SORDIDITY

I knew you once,

First day of Uni and I'm so nervous. My first real taste of freedom with no parents or older siblings about to look over my shoulder and monitor what-the-heck I was doing. I didn't know what to expect, it would either be good or it would suck (Dear Lord let it not suck, I'm sure I prayed a dozen times).


I knew you once,

Settling in, trying to find my classes, you appeared with your friendly face and your charm. A regular Casanova is what your demeanor screamed and my shields were already guarded against that. However, I needed help with my bearings and agree I did to let you be my guide for the day. That's how a friendship started...well, at least on my side.


I knew you once,

Several weeks later, we've slipped into a comfortable fit. Your persistence with trying to get us to be more than friends has finally worn off. I smile because I know we'll get on better as friends than anything else. I like your humor and you always save me a seat in class when I'm late.


I knew you once,

You and your friends wanted to go out to a club in the town and you invited me. I'm not so much a hell-yeah-let's-hit-the-club kinda girl but I acquiesced because I figured its what friends do sometimes; hang out.Friday evening eight p.m it was, plans made.


I knew you once,

Even though I didn't know your friends well, I had seen them around campus and for assurance I brought a girlfriend too. A girl I had become friends with recently and we stayed in the same hostel. I had my money in check in case of an emergency, I had a chaperone in check too in case we have to leave or things get too heated. Contingencies covered....errr...I guess..


I knew you once,

You gave me your jacket to keep me warm in the club where we sat. How thoughtful of you, you asked me what I would like to drink and I resolutely replied "Soda" You laughed softly and told me nobody goes out clubbing just to drink soda. You poured out a few tots for me from a Vodka bottle. I've never been a fan of Vodka so I poured in lots of soda to dilute the taste. No use getting drunk on my first night out. I imagined I might dance topless in the bar and the story would forever stick with me throughout Uni. No siree I was gonna have my faculties well put together throughout this night. The girlfriend I came with has mysteriously disappeared with a guy she met a few hours ago. I fret for a while until I spot her dancing a few meters away.


I knew you once,

I thought it was thoughtful of you to keep refreshing my drink every time I went to the ladies, and I was more relaxed because another girl had joined us and you seemed to be interested in her. I had reached my absolute limit of drinking so I kept pushing my glass around idly and boy, was I starting to feel sleepy. I looked at the time on my phone, 11.30pm!!! Why was I so drowsy, I could easily make it to 3am when I normally go out............


I knew you once,

That blue shirt with the black panther drawing at the back that you love wearing, the grunge jeans with the frayed knees that you said you've had since high school....

Oh my God.....

The grey sweater!
The black camisole!!
The black skinny jeans!!!!
My eyes popped open in a flash! All traces of sleep long pushed away, my clothes were draped on a chair along with his in the corner of his room. My underwear lying on the floor, partly hidden under his shoe. I pulled back the cream sheets that were on me only to confirm what I hoped was a bad dream, I was totally naked.
And though my mind didn't want to acknowledge it, I knew.......I knew.
I could remember nothing beyond 11.30pm, how I got there or who brought me there and how. Worst of all I knew something had been done to me and I had no idea.


I knew you once,

You looked at me and smiled when you came back to the room, said I had asked for it with my own mouth. Bulls***!! I was trembling, I was mad, I was scared, I felt so dirty...I dressed up quickly and did what made sense to me at the time, I left and went to my room and took a long hot scalding bath. I cried like I had never cried before and yet it felt like the tears would not subside. Later, I learnt that he told his friends he was taking me home because I had drunk too much, yet nobody saw me walking out, he had had to carry me out. So much for contingencies.......


I knew you once,

Now I wish I had never known you, I wish the earth would just cover you up for all the shame I've felt, all the tears I cried and most of all for taking something that was not given to you.


I've learnt that sometimes no amount of talking can make things seem better, you just have to find your own way of coping. I've learnt that its not strength that pulls you through a situation like this...its just time. With time, pain dulls, you learn how to black out what your mind doesn't want to remember, you learn that evil presents itself as good for its own intentions and its not your fault if you fall a victim to it.


I don't know.....maybe its just life.