The Post Without A Title

Slipping isn't falling. Isn't that how the saying goes? A lot can be said about life's slips and falls and this post is just one of the many stories.

It is very possible in life to know someone but never really know them. To be privy to everything intimate down to the nooks and crannies of different parts of their beings but when it comes down to it most of what they show you are only the parts they let you see. If down the journey of your life you have not come across a sign that says "Being Fooled is in Your Near Future" This is me assuring you that it is.

Somehow this is just one of those lessons that are up there with potty training, it happens (there will probably be crying and cursing involved here), you learn and you move on onto a new level of life, a little bit wiser (we hope). The most worrying thing about it though is that it happens when you least expect it or from a place you wouldn't have guessed. Call it karma call it life...take thy pick.

Buuut this isn't a narration about despair or disappointment. On the contrary, this is a about hope and fresh chances. The underlying fact we always forget that whenever a stage or phase of life ends, there is a whole new page open up to make a difference and re-create a new chapter.

Everyone is always looking out for the proverbial "greener grass" whether in relationships, careers, business opportunities etc. There is always a belief that something out there is better than what you have. However, and this is monumental so I will write it in capital letters, IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE YOUR OWN GRASS GREENER. And its a simple as a mind shift. The way in which you perceive your circumstances. Because frankly, you are only as happy as as you allow yourself to be. So why not just let go and let happy in?

So your relationship is not going as you anticipated, the guy/girl you are dating is not keeping up with your expectations. You want to go into town, he/she is dressed for the village, you want to be monogamous, he/she is opening branches faster than Equity Bank, You want to take it to the next step, he/she wants to tone things down....the list is as endless as there are different characters in the world. So how do you take charge of this? Simply put is to constantly find your happiness, if something is getting you down and bogging down that progress that you need then let it go. Life is too short to waste it in relationships that are not going anywhere. You deserve happy. And indeed most times we are in search of that perfect someone and we forget to literally take a step back and look at ourselves and wonder if we are fitting for someone else first. Its worth looking into that sometimes the problem is not only the world but also your perception of it and how it ought to be.

TO BE CONTINUED!

THE FOUR STAGES OF MY HANKERINGS

Stage One: The Purchase

*Walk to the display shelf*

*Pick out awesomely delicious snack*

My Mind : Take two, One for now, another for later. It's a long evening/morning/day

Me : Alright

*Pick two packets of snacks*

Hope the cashier thinks there are two kids I'm buying snacks for

Stage Two : The gormandizing of the snack

*Rip packet open*

*Sit comfortably*

*Unapologetically finish snack in seconds*

My Mind : Eat, there's another one left after all.

Me : Alright

*Settle down to watch a movie/work/study*

*Bliss*

Stage Three : The Bargain (Approximately five minutes later)

My Mind : Remember the taste of that snack we had five minutes ago?

Me : Yes

My Mind : It was so good. So good.

Me: *Silently trying to ignore*

My Mind : Let's eat the other snack now

Me : That's for later

My Mind : It is later already. Let's just eat it and forget about it completely.

Me : Ok

Stage Four : Nibbling on last snack

*Literally eating bit by bit*

*Unconsciously counting remaining snacks as I eat*

*Sighing as the packet becomes more evidently empty*

My Mind : *Scoffing* You should have bought three

Me : Why am I like this?

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…

Veronica A. Shoffstall

A QUESTIONABLE STEP INTO UNCERTAINTY?

I wrote this very raw piece at my most tense moments, it is far from perfect but I think I might have lost my will to write (not just write but write well) somewhere along this past year. I hope 2016 will bring it back.

There is no clear and concise way to describe heartbreak except to equate it to situations I think.

Heartbreak is seeing someone you love in pain and knowing there is little you can do about it. Just try and keep them comfortable or distracted with mindless stories that matter little at that time.

Heartbreak is standing in that hospital room and wondering why the doctors cannot fix the hurt. why all the visits there are not yielding results.

Heartbreak is being outside and looking up and praying to God to reach down and touch someone's brokenness.

Heartbreak is watching someone you love trying to be strong so that you do not worry. The forced smile....

Heartbreak is willing yourself to stay awake all night to provide company and comfort to your loved one. Being there in case of any need or call.

Heartbreak is hearing him laugh in the morning, a slight relief. Can we breathe now, God?

Heartbreak is stepping away for a few minutes and discovering that the whole world can change in those countable seconds.

Heartbreak is looking into your brother's face as he tries to tell you that the other brother you left laughing is now no more...

Heartbreak is those exact nine steps it takes you to get to where he lies.....covered in a blue sheet you spent the night spreading over him to keep him warm....

Heartbreak is the warmth you still feel in someone even after they have crossed over to another world.

Heartbreak is having so many whys and not a single because....it is that sinking feeling that is intermittent but very final...

It is those body and mind numbing hours when nothing makes sense and everything feels unreal. You can almost laugh because it feels like a joke.

But the ever present lump in your throat is there to remind you that it is not.

It's not ok, it might never be ok

But

It's life. Unchangeable.

VANITY

There's a post I came across when I was on Facebook, it said " Feeling good about yourself? Ask a child to draw a picture of you". As in kids are so astute and open minded they will draw your big nose if you do indeed have a big nose. To them its not about hurting your feelings its just about drawing what they see.

Now there is another group of people who are just as expressive but they are not children. Anyone who has taken a walk on River Road has met these women. The ones who stand by the road and narrow in on whatever insecurity or flaw or blemish u might have and offer you a quick solution for it.
Are you conscious about a pimple that just sprung up that morning? AVOID that street, u will think your whole face has become the Andes ranges.
Feeling low about your skin tone, take a different route, the sympathetic looks they give you when they point it out is enough to make you feel like a walking mosaic. It is the ultimate Walk of Insecurity.
I have been having a very cranky couple of days, can't figure out why but I have been tenser than cords. Yesterday, I got out of work and crossing Waiyaki Way to the bus stop was a test of patience, cars were bypassing nonstop, eventually after a few minutes I managed to get across and not without a few extra panicked heartbeats. When I had been across the road, matatus were practically packed on top of each other in a passenger picking frenzy, as I got across to the stop....nope, you guessed wrong, there was NONE. Finally, when one came, the makanga demanded for a whole FIFTY bob, now its not that I am stingy but being conned is an option. I waited. Seven 50bob matatus later, one for 30bob came hah! There is a God.

There was certainly a price to pay for that. The makanga loudly and proudly announced "Mwisho!"about three stops away from where I wanted. So there was leg work to do, before I realised it, I found myself on the street. There they were, posing on either end of the street calling out loudly to any poor soul with bad skin and low self esteem. Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow ....

What was my plan?
Do not make eye contact.
I walked stiffly in a straight line which wasn't too hard to do because the streets were so packed. I hoped my expression showed a mixture of I-don't-want-nonsense and I-can't-buy-I'm-broke. I went by the first shop, no comment. I approached the second one which had two ladies holding a plastic face cream container...no comment...and so it went on till the end of the street, I was so surprised that at first it didn't even register in my mind to be pleased.Aiii, how?

Well, I can tell you there was no reflective surface that escaped my image. I had to look at myself over and over again to behold the face that had literally passed through the lion's den and not only survived but convinced them to form a Simba Knitting Club. Yes, such was the feat.
Well, Maybe I'm just vain. :-)

ONE OF THE -ISMS THAT INSPIRE ME

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

AFFIRMATIONS

Today I will do something out of the ordinary for me and share song lyrics. This is a song by The Calling, it speaks to me in so many ways, I cannot even tell it all. If you get time listen to it, if you don't, here come the lyrics :)

THE CALLING - BELIEVING
I'm one man to make a difference
I'm one soul all persistence
In a dark word, just trying to make things right
Choices we weren't given
Any heroes, and our decision
Is to stand up and fight for ourselves

[Chorus:]
To be free
Is all we want to be
When everything seems so far out of reach
But I know, no matter where we go
I'll never stop believing in me

Woke up bent and broken
Just to find that fate has spoken
All I call out I call out for change
For every moment that remains
For every sinking stone to find its place
Long before they're washed away

[Chorus]

We've been giving in to wrong
We've been waiting for too long
And we've been broken to pieces one by one

We're gonna know
We're gonna know
When the moment comes

[Chorus]