A QUESTIONABLE STEP INTO UNCERTAINTY?

I wrote this very raw piece at my most tense moments, it is far from perfect but I think I might have lost my will to write (not just write but write well) somewhere along this past year. I hope 2016 will bring it back.

There is no clear and concise way to describe heartbreak except to equate it to situations I think.

Heartbreak is seeing someone you love in pain and knowing there is little you can do about it. Just try and keep them comfortable or distracted with mindless stories that matter little at that time.

Heartbreak is standing in that hospital room and wondering why the doctors cannot fix the hurt. why all the visits there are not yielding results.

Heartbreak is being outside and looking up and praying to God to reach down and touch someone's brokenness.

Heartbreak is watching someone you love trying to be strong so that you do not worry. The forced smile....

Heartbreak is willing yourself to stay awake all night to provide company and comfort to your loved one. Being there in case of any need or call.

Heartbreak is hearing him laugh in the morning, a slight relief. Can we breathe now, God?

Heartbreak is stepping away for a few minutes and discovering that the whole world can change in those countable seconds.

Heartbreak is looking into your brother's face as he tries to tell you that the other brother you left laughing is now no more...

Heartbreak is those exact nine steps it takes you to get to where he lies.....covered in a blue sheet you spent the night spreading over him to keep him warm....

Heartbreak is the warmth you still feel in someone even after they have crossed over to another world.

Heartbreak is having so many whys and not a single because....it is that sinking feeling that is intermittent but very final...

It is those body and mind numbing hours when nothing makes sense and everything feels unreal. You can almost laugh because it feels like a joke.

But the ever present lump in your throat is there to remind you that it is not.

It's not ok, it might never be ok

But

It's life. Unchangeable.

VANITY

There's a post I came across when I was on Facebook, it said " Feeling good about yourself? Ask a child to draw a picture of you". As in kids are so astute and open minded they will draw your big nose if you do indeed have a big nose. To them its not about hurting your feelings its just about drawing what they see.

Now there is another group of people who are just as expressive but they are not children. Anyone who has taken a walk on River Road has met these women. The ones who stand by the road and narrow in on whatever insecurity or flaw or blemish u might have and offer you a quick solution for it.
Are you conscious about a pimple that just sprung up that morning? AVOID that street, u will think your whole face has become the Andes ranges.
Feeling low about your skin tone, take a different route, the sympathetic looks they give you when they point it out is enough to make you feel like a walking mosaic. It is the ultimate Walk of Insecurity.
I have been having a very cranky couple of days, can't figure out why but I have been tenser than cords. Yesterday, I got out of work and crossing Waiyaki Way to the bus stop was a test of patience, cars were bypassing nonstop, eventually after a few minutes I managed to get across and not without a few extra panicked heartbeats. When I had been across the road, matatus were practically packed on top of each other in a passenger picking frenzy, as I got across to the stop....nope, you guessed wrong, there was NONE. Finally, when one came, the makanga demanded for a whole FIFTY bob, now its not that I am stingy but being conned is an option. I waited. Seven 50bob matatus later, one for 30bob came hah! There is a God.

There was certainly a price to pay for that. The makanga loudly and proudly announced "Mwisho!"about three stops away from where I wanted. So there was leg work to do, before I realised it, I found myself on the street. There they were, posing on either end of the street calling out loudly to any poor soul with bad skin and low self esteem. Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow ....

What was my plan?
Do not make eye contact.
I walked stiffly in a straight line which wasn't too hard to do because the streets were so packed. I hoped my expression showed a mixture of I-don't-want-nonsense and I-can't-buy-I'm-broke. I went by the first shop, no comment. I approached the second one which had two ladies holding a plastic face cream container...no comment...and so it went on till the end of the street, I was so surprised that at first it didn't even register in my mind to be pleased.Aiii, how?

Well, I can tell you there was no reflective surface that escaped my image. I had to look at myself over and over again to behold the face that had literally passed through the lion's den and not only survived but convinced them to form a Simba Knitting Club. Yes, such was the feat.
Well, Maybe I'm just vain. :-)

ONE OF THE -ISMS THAT INSPIRE ME

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

AFFIRMATIONS

Today I will do something out of the ordinary for me and share song lyrics. This is a song by The Calling, it speaks to me in so many ways, I cannot even tell it all. If you get time listen to it, if you don't, here come the lyrics :)

THE CALLING - BELIEVING
I'm one man to make a difference
I'm one soul all persistence
In a dark word, just trying to make things right
Choices we weren't given
Any heroes, and our decision
Is to stand up and fight for ourselves

[Chorus:]
To be free
Is all we want to be
When everything seems so far out of reach
But I know, no matter where we go
I'll never stop believing in me

Woke up bent and broken
Just to find that fate has spoken
All I call out I call out for change
For every moment that remains
For every sinking stone to find its place
Long before they're washed away

[Chorus]

We've been giving in to wrong
We've been waiting for too long
And we've been broken to pieces one by one

We're gonna know
We're gonna know
When the moment comes

[Chorus]

RESOLUTE......i hope.....

The writer in me is a sham. Not because she lacks things to write but because she lacks the fortitude to un-procrastinate. Shameful...but very true.

So where did we leave off last time... The world persists in spinning on its axis as it has always..but so much has changed in the world and continues to do so in every second of every minute that passes... 1, A baby was born just then, 2, someone lost the struggle for their life just then, 3, a job has been found, 4, a song is being sang, 5, a memory is recalled 6, a discovery is being made...

Just as soon as you blink, a million things have happened around you. The awareness we feel is limited only to what affects us directly. So what makes the mind so tuned only to the regular patterns? The conscious mind filters everything that goes through it, filters all five senses and that is how we differentiate between what is true and what isn't.

The problem now with a writer like me who doesn't restrict herself to specific topics, then there are far too many to write about. Sometimes I wake up with an idea so pressing its like a burning bush in my brain, thirty minutes down the line, all that remains are smoulders of a faintly recalled fire. Sigh

My resolution in this 2014 is to blog at the very least once in three weeks. So help me God.

Love Always,

DISTRACTIONS

Writing is to me a form of letting loose on "paper". There is so much that happens in my life that I cannot speak out, or put to any logical understanding from my heart. Its a creation faux pas if you will or maybe just an upbringing one.

This post is very raw, I'm not going to bother to redo the language or flower the phrases, I'm just putting down thoughts as they come to me. April. Its been a stressful and a somewhat very defined month. One thing after another without room to breath, very many times I felt I needed that room where people go to and scream their lungs out. Yes, I really need that place.

But most of all I just needed that place that people go to that is just for them. A safe shelter with a soft landing and all the chocolate and wine I can put down. Lord knows I really needed that place. I felt sandpaper-ed with no visible shine appearing. I do not know if I am any smoother.

A lesson in life: You don't always get what you give and people don't always give what they say they will either. Hard lesson learnt.

However..(wasn't going to sign off without a footnote of course)...there are very odd times when rays of light will pierce through the darkness, as still as dawn breaking..those odd times when it is impossible to do any activity without a smile...odd times... :)

But I'm still me, heart still big, mind still strong, my writing still vaguely alive. Hehe

JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS ONE GAL GOES THRU

This is one of those feel-good days for me, Its the days when you know there is plenty you could be fussing about but you just choose not to. Took a while for me to learn this skill. I say skill because if I called it Art I'm afraid I would be taking liberties with the language.

Nothing is fazing me today, not even that black chicken that crossed my path today morning. I refuse to Google and find out what kind of an omen a black chicken crossing your path symbolizes. Albeit it was very determined to....nah, nothing will faze me today.
It is just one of those days

Not even my suspicious colleagues asking why I'm eating groundnuts early in the morning. Making me feel like I had just pulled out a bag of coke and was snorting it. By the way they turned out to be the worst groundnuts I had ever tasted but because I had metaphorically given the finger to their suggestive claims, I will slowly soldier on down to the last nut... Note to self: Must Learn To Swallow Pride.
Today is just one of those days

Not even the rude makanga in the morning matatu could ruin the mood. Lord only knows what crept up his pants because he was voicing opinions that were not needed, commenting on each and every conversation he overheard...clearly someone raised him up with the impression that rude interjections make great conversations. ..
Not even the falling trajectory my favourite black underwear took as it slipped from the clothes line of my fifth floor balcony straight into the open door of the apartment two floors down. I had the quickest brainstorming session in my head and decided to follow it down. Nay, it was not a walk of shame...more like a determined no-man-left-behind kind of walk. It just had to be done...when you love something that means going the extra mile. I'm not sure whether the guy who came to the door was just amused or he thought it was a not-so-subtle come hither message. Did his expression pique my curiosity? It did. Did it really matter? Not in the least bit. I said thanks and went on my way..today is just one of those days :)

I'm humming a tune I don't know
I'm smiling to people I've never met
Skipping over puddles of water on the road

Its just...one of those days

One Love.