THE FOUR STAGES OF MY HANKERINGS

Stage One: The Purchase

*Walk to the display shelf*

*Pick out awesomely delicious snack*

My Mind : Take two, One for now, another for later. It's a long evening/morning/day

Me : Alright

*Pick two packets of snacks*

Hope the cashier thinks there are two kids I'm buying snacks for

Stage Two : The gormandizing of the snack

*Rip packet open*

*Sit comfortably*

*Unapologetically finish snack in seconds*

My Mind : Eat, there's another one left after all.

Me : Alright

*Settle down to watch a movie/work/study*

*Bliss*

Stage Three : The Bargain (Approximately five minutes later)

My Mind : Remember the taste of that snack we had five minutes ago?

Me : Yes

My Mind : It was so good. So good.

Me: *Silently trying to ignore*

My Mind : Let's eat the other snack now

Me : That's for later

My Mind : It is later already. Let's just eat it and forget about it completely.

Me : Ok

Stage Four : Nibbling on last snack

*Literally eating bit by bit*

*Unconsciously counting remaining snacks as I eat*

*Sighing as the packet becomes more evidently empty*

My Mind : *Scoffing* You should have bought three

Me : Why am I like this?

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…

Veronica A. Shoffstall

A QUESTIONABLE STEP INTO UNCERTAINTY?

I wrote this very raw piece at my most tense moments, it is far from perfect but I think I might have lost my will to write (not just write but write well) somewhere along this past year. I hope 2016 will bring it back.

There is no clear and concise way to describe heartbreak except to equate it to situations I think.

Heartbreak is seeing someone you love in pain and knowing there is little you can do about it. Just try and keep them comfortable or distracted with mindless stories that matter little at that time.

Heartbreak is standing in that hospital room and wondering why the doctors cannot fix the hurt. why all the visits there are not yielding results.

Heartbreak is being outside and looking up and praying to God to reach down and touch someone's brokenness.

Heartbreak is watching someone you love trying to be strong so that you do not worry. The forced smile....

Heartbreak is willing yourself to stay awake all night to provide company and comfort to your loved one. Being there in case of any need or call.

Heartbreak is hearing him laugh in the morning, a slight relief. Can we breathe now, God?

Heartbreak is stepping away for a few minutes and discovering that the whole world can change in those countable seconds.

Heartbreak is looking into your brother's face as he tries to tell you that the other brother you left laughing is now no more...

Heartbreak is those exact nine steps it takes you to get to where he lies.....covered in a blue sheet you spent the night spreading over him to keep him warm....

Heartbreak is the warmth you still feel in someone even after they have crossed over to another world.

Heartbreak is having so many whys and not a single because....it is that sinking feeling that is intermittent but very final...

It is those body and mind numbing hours when nothing makes sense and everything feels unreal. You can almost laugh because it feels like a joke.

But the ever present lump in your throat is there to remind you that it is not.

It's not ok, it might never be ok

But

It's life. Unchangeable.

VANITY

There's a post I came across when I was on Facebook, it said " Feeling good about yourself? Ask a child to draw a picture of you". As in kids are so astute and open minded they will draw your big nose if you do indeed have a big nose. To them its not about hurting your feelings its just about drawing what they see.

Now there is another group of people who are just as expressive but they are not children. Anyone who has taken a walk on River Road has met these women. The ones who stand by the road and narrow in on whatever insecurity or flaw or blemish u might have and offer you a quick solution for it.
Are you conscious about a pimple that just sprung up that morning? AVOID that street, u will think your whole face has become the Andes ranges.
Feeling low about your skin tone, take a different route, the sympathetic looks they give you when they point it out is enough to make you feel like a walking mosaic. It is the ultimate Walk of Insecurity.
I have been having a very cranky couple of days, can't figure out why but I have been tenser than cords. Yesterday, I got out of work and crossing Waiyaki Way to the bus stop was a test of patience, cars were bypassing nonstop, eventually after a few minutes I managed to get across and not without a few extra panicked heartbeats. When I had been across the road, matatus were practically packed on top of each other in a passenger picking frenzy, as I got across to the stop....nope, you guessed wrong, there was NONE. Finally, when one came, the makanga demanded for a whole FIFTY bob, now its not that I am stingy but being conned is an option. I waited. Seven 50bob matatus later, one for 30bob came hah! There is a God.

There was certainly a price to pay for that. The makanga loudly and proudly announced "Mwisho!"about three stops away from where I wanted. So there was leg work to do, before I realised it, I found myself on the street. There they were, posing on either end of the street calling out loudly to any poor soul with bad skin and low self esteem. Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow ....

What was my plan?
Do not make eye contact.
I walked stiffly in a straight line which wasn't too hard to do because the streets were so packed. I hoped my expression showed a mixture of I-don't-want-nonsense and I-can't-buy-I'm-broke. I went by the first shop, no comment. I approached the second one which had two ladies holding a plastic face cream container...no comment...and so it went on till the end of the street, I was so surprised that at first it didn't even register in my mind to be pleased.Aiii, how?

Well, I can tell you there was no reflective surface that escaped my image. I had to look at myself over and over again to behold the face that had literally passed through the lion's den and not only survived but convinced them to form a Simba Knitting Club. Yes, such was the feat.
Well, Maybe I'm just vain. :-)

ONE OF THE -ISMS THAT INSPIRE ME

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

AFFIRMATIONS

Today I will do something out of the ordinary for me and share song lyrics. This is a song by The Calling, it speaks to me in so many ways, I cannot even tell it all. If you get time listen to it, if you don't, here come the lyrics :)

THE CALLING - BELIEVING
I'm one man to make a difference
I'm one soul all persistence
In a dark word, just trying to make things right
Choices we weren't given
Any heroes, and our decision
Is to stand up and fight for ourselves

[Chorus:]
To be free
Is all we want to be
When everything seems so far out of reach
But I know, no matter where we go
I'll never stop believing in me

Woke up bent and broken
Just to find that fate has spoken
All I call out I call out for change
For every moment that remains
For every sinking stone to find its place
Long before they're washed away

[Chorus]

We've been giving in to wrong
We've been waiting for too long
And we've been broken to pieces one by one

We're gonna know
We're gonna know
When the moment comes

[Chorus]

RESOLUTE......i hope.....

The writer in me is a sham. Not because she lacks things to write but because she lacks the fortitude to un-procrastinate. Shameful...but very true.

So where did we leave off last time... The world persists in spinning on its axis as it has always..but so much has changed in the world and continues to do so in every second of every minute that passes... 1, A baby was born just then, 2, someone lost the struggle for their life just then, 3, a job has been found, 4, a song is being sang, 5, a memory is recalled 6, a discovery is being made...

Just as soon as you blink, a million things have happened around you. The awareness we feel is limited only to what affects us directly. So what makes the mind so tuned only to the regular patterns? The conscious mind filters everything that goes through it, filters all five senses and that is how we differentiate between what is true and what isn't.

The problem now with a writer like me who doesn't restrict herself to specific topics, then there are far too many to write about. Sometimes I wake up with an idea so pressing its like a burning bush in my brain, thirty minutes down the line, all that remains are smoulders of a faintly recalled fire. Sigh

My resolution in this 2014 is to blog at the very least once in three weeks. So help me God.

Love Always,